Need to talk to someone struggling with addiction?
Someone you love is struggling. It’s hard to watch. You are frustrated, scared, hurting, and desperate to see your loved one make some decisions that will lead to health and freedom.
What is the right thing to do?
Don’ts and Dos
Talking with someone who is struggling with active addiction is tricky. There is a lot at stake and emotions are high. Here are some Don’ts and Dos to consider:
Don’t Come in Hot
It’s tempting to start with harsh truths and tough love. While there may be a time for that it is not the place to start. Keeping a calm and steady demeanor provides a safe space and assures your loved one that you are ready to help bear the burden they carry with them.
Don’t Pile On
Even if their words and actions are confident or defiant, know that every addict is riddled with shame. Drugs and alcohol are often a spiral of self-medication in an effort to deal with that shame. Leading with all the ways they have failed could be piling onto a source of their pain.
What if our loved one has real experiences with the Savior, has proclaimed faith and appears to be off the path? Do we give them a prescription of bible verses, a regiment of bible studies to attend, invite them to church? All good things, but timing is everything. Maybe we say "Come back to Jesus, Let's pray!" I've actually heard people say "If you REALLY loved Jesus you would stop!"
Statements like this can do the opposite, scaring off any possible opportunity to be near and make a difference. It can cause shame and a deep sense of despair, even self loathing. And who wants to go to a church where people will judge you for your struggles as opposed to love you, even like you for who you are beyond your struggles– earning you the right to lead towards a life of healing, hope and recovery.
Do Look Beyond the Surface
When you have the opportunity to have face to face time with your loved one, look them in the eye and remember who they are. Look to see them beyond their current struggles. They are your true love, your lifesblood, your dear friend, your neighbor who lives next door. Rehearse the things you love about them, their gifts, their talents, what they did that made you smile or even laugh.
Look to see the person you love. Find ways to celebrate them.
Do Listen—Really Listen
This sounds easy but it is a hard one. The truth is you have an agenda. Every time you see your loved one you are hoping that this is the time when it turns around. You may believe (I sure do) that your loved one needs Jesus— it’s tempting to preach. You feel deep pressure to say the right thing.
Take a deep breath. Know that this is bigger than you—bigger than today. Take the pressure off of yourself and lead by listening to learn. Ask open-ended questions that can’t be answered with yes or no and avoid cliche questions that prompt pat answers. "What are you enjoying today?" What challenges are you facing?" Now LISTEN.
So often we want to jump right in and tell people what they need to do. Resist the urge to rush to address their situation. Instead, listen for the heart behind what they are saying. Fully be with them. Listen until you learn what they mean and understand what they are feeling.
Do Trust God
Engaging with your loved one who is struggling with addiction takes courage. There is a lot at stake—for them and for you. It can be risky, even painful to feel some of what another person is feeling. Pray for courage, for peace, for empathy, for ways to build a bridge to health and freedom.
Humility and confidence slow us down, to be intentional in listening, learning and loving like Jesus! We ALL have a deep need for Jesus. He is God with us.
Do Get Help
Addiction is messy. It is often a complicated path to freedom from drugs and alcohol. AND people can find their way to a beautiful life! There is a solution. A way forward. But it is not easy. Get all the help that you can.
Harbor Rock Recovery can help.
In my 44 years of sobriety and 33 years of trusting Jesus, I've talked and walked with thousands of people on their journey towards freedom.
There is not one path that works for every single person. Multiple pathways are often required to experience recovery and freedom from drugs and alcohol.
Harbor Rock has vetted and built a strong network of recovery resources in the South Bay and beyond. We are here to help.
If you or someone you know wants help, please reach out Freedom@Harborrockrecovery.org
Recovery Coaching
Pastor Dan Bradford is now offering Recovery Coaching for individuals, small groups and churches who want to shape recovery groups specific to their Discipleship modality.
Schedule a FREE introductory consultation by emailing Dan@Harborrockrecovery.org
